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Coaching teams

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Guest LC&Jay

Unless you have a court order that states you aren't allowed near the kids during mom's time, which is probably unlikely, then there is absolutely no reason why both parents shouldn't be able to attend all the practices, games, performances ect..of the kids, regardless of whose time it is. The same should apply for coaching. You have a right to be at the kid's games and practices, so coaching shouldn't be any different. As long as you respect the fact that if it's mom's time and she chooses not to bring your child that day (maybe there is a birthday party or something going on), she has that right. She would still be in control if it's her time. 

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I had the opposite of this situation. My ex-wife really wanted my daughter to play soccer but she didn't really care. Whenever I'd talk to her about it, she said she didn't really want to sign up. But whenever she came back from my ex's, my ex claimed she had changed her mind and now wanted to play. Of course, the ex wanted to coach the team, so the whole thing felt just like she was trying to get her to play soccer to get more time.

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RGB,

We had a similar issue with my fiance's ex wife. It didn't involve coaching, but on more than 1 occasion, she would write my fiance asking for his approval to put his son in tackle football and his daughter in dance. He would ask the kids and they would flat out say they weren't interested, but she would always say they told her differently. Well in both situations, the kids were signed up and both quit within the first 3 weeks...just like my fiance said they would. 

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Guest MEM

My 5 y/o son says he does want to play baseball but his dad will make him anyway. He tells his dad he wants to play baseball. How do we go about doing what's best for him?

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On 10/7/2018 at 9:27 PM, Guest MEM said:

My 5 y/o son says he does want to play baseball but his dad will make him anyway. He tells his dad he wants to play baseball. How do we go about doing what's best for him?

Assuming you meant he doesn't want to play, that's a tough one. The question you need to tackle is why he's telling you that he doesn't want to play, but tells his dad that he does. My first guess is that he doesn't want to disappoint dad.

Even in the healthiest of relationships, the conversation with dad about how the son is pretending he wants to play so as not to disappoint dad would be a tricky one. In a separated or divorced situation, there's a fair chance the dad would feel like you're interfering with or sabotaging the thing he likes his son doing.

So, without putting too much burden on the son, I think you need to better understand why you're getting a different message than dad. And, since you think you're getting the truth but he's just pretending with dad, I think that comes from some talks between you and your son. Then, hopefully you can take that information to dad, with an explanation of why dad is hearing something different, and find a way to find out what the son really wants.

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Jimdahl,

You are exactly right. Another thing for this parent to consider down the road is the child learning to pin parent against parent when they are too afraid to be honest.  And often, the kids know that they can sort of blame the other parent to get out of stuff one parent wants them to do. For example, my fiance's daughter's mother really pushes for extracurricular activities. She wanted daughter to try out for school basketball. My fiance told his daughter he'd support it if that is what she truly wants. Well daugther went back and told mother that her dad said he can't support the basketball and therefore she can't try out since she lives with him half the time. Of course the mother then sends him a nice nasty email of how he sucks as a dad for not supporting his kid...blah blah blah. Well one day I was with my daughter and stepdaughter and the stepdaughter flat out tells me that she lied to her mom and by saying dad would not support her. I asked her why she would do that and she said because otherwise her mother would keep hounding her to try out and she didn't want to. It was easier for her to blame dad that to just be honest with her mother. I had to give her the big long speech about how pinning parents against each other is wrong. 

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