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CoParenting Talk (a discussion forum)


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Everything posted by vadad

  1. This was interesting: Does having divorced parents affect your marriage? Kids learn what adult relationships look like from their parents. Having divorced parents definitely affects their view on marriage. But, it's not all bad, some might be more cautious, vowing to do better than their parents did, and be more careful in partner selection.
  2. https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/coparenting/509-13-reasons-why-co-parenting-doesn-t-work-for-everyone Lists 12 requirements for successful coparenting, then inverts them to identify those situations in which one of those 12 is not met. The 12 are:
  3. It seems pretty natural for parents to want to talk about college as the date approaches, divorced or not. It seems a reasonable thing to try to plan. Had you given any thought or planning before the divorce to college?
  4. Yep, but he has a new girlfriend. Be honest with yourself about whether you're being friendly because you really want to be that close of friends with him in this new reality or if you're still clinging to the way things were or even secretly hoping to get back together.
  5. We're still having troubles with the little stuff. Did you order the kids' yearbooks at schools? Do I send in the field trip money, or just pass the note on to the ex? We don't want to be constantly sending bills back and forth for 50% of minor expenses, but I don't want to hesitate to send in a payment for something because I feel like I've been overpaying lately.
  6. https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/9-tips-for-co-parenting-with-a-difficult-ex-kfnn-cmtt/ This one really speaks to me:
  7. https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/9-tips-for-co-parenting-with-a-difficult-ex-kfnn-cmtt/ Article points out that one of the things everyone should think about is if co-parenting is even possible in their relationship (by that they mean highly cooperative and coordinate parenting). In some situations the kids are better off with "parallel parenting" (which I think is really just low contact coparenting), because the parents don't get along so trying to coordinate too much actually makes things worse.
  8. Though I think people idolize coparents who do a lot together too much, birthday parties are one thing that I think can be more special for the kids if you and the coparent can agree to both participate in the same one. If they have one event that includes the people most important to them, I think that's a more special memory for them than multiple partial groups.
  9. It's nice that being friends with the ex's new husband works for them, but I think we have to be careful not to make it seem like that should be the goal for everyone.
  10. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/01/14/how-get-divorced-without-hating-your-ex-or-tearing-your-family-apart/?utm_term=.df84adaf8bd5 My ex and I try to do family stuff together (birthdays, holidays, and dinners out every couple weeks), but she's just not comfortable just "hanging out". I'd love to reach the point that she came over for dinner or just hung out on a weekend afternoon.
  11. I'm not sure being able to hang out with the coparent and their new BF/GF is the ultimate goal of coparenting. Good coparenting is doing what's best for the kids. If your relationship with your coparent is such that hanging out with them and a new BF/GF is fun for you, great, but you can still be just as good a coparent if not. I don't love the frequently repeated idea that the ideal of coparenting is both parents and their new partners all hanging out happily together.
  12. No sooner than a few weeks before someone is ready to move out
  13. This is so important, and so hard. My ex and I agreed early on that the kids stuff is theirs, and they can move it back and forth as they see fit. It's so hard to get them something special and then watch it go to the other house, but so much better for the kids.
  14. In general, it's really best if you can work with the ex and have the same rules at both houses. That's a lot easier for the kids than different rules at different houses. But, what you serve them for breakfast is pretty small in the grand scheme of things. Having the same rules around diet is one of those "nice to haves", but I don't think it's a big deal if one of you forces a slightly healthier diet than the other.
  15. A couple more apps I've come across: Alimentor It's focus is on calendaring. It specifically seems to have strong features for tracking where the kids actually spend their time in addition to the planned agreement. Is very highly reviewed in the App Store. Truece Is more of a do-it-all. Communications, expenses, calendar, and time.
  16. Anyone try splitting holidays, like 50-50 on the day itself?
  17. https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/anna-giannone/coparenting-advice-divorce-children_a_23493157/ I really like some of these. 1. Drop the term "my ex" in favour of "my child's mom/dad" or "my child's mother/father." 7. When receiving a text message or email, kindly respond with "got it" or "will get back to you shortly" and be specific about when you will get back to them. This is a simple act of kindness that goes a long way and will create a positive ripple effect. It also prevents being an avoider, which will create resistance. 9. When speaking to your child about something that requires joint decisions, say, "Your mom/dad and I." I'm good at most of them, but #7 really struck me from having been on the receiving end--in particular, the idea of being an "avoider". Few things annoy me more than when I write the kids' mom about something kid-related and she chooses not to reply to that message.
  18. Not coparenting, but my kids' school counselor recommended this book: https://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Not-End-World-Coping/dp/1582462410/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1541474696&sr=8-5&keywords=divorce+book+for+kids It's advice for kids, written by two siblings of divorced parents. Addresses all the types of stuff kids are likely to worry about--"guilt, anger, fear, adjusting to different rules in different houses, dealing with special occasions like birthdays, adapting to stepparents and blended families, and much more". My daughter devoured it. I'm not sure she learned so much new, as felt that camaraderie of feeling like she was reading about herself. She frequently said, "that's exactly what I've thought!" when reading.
  19. Still going through it. It has crossed my mind that until it's final, there's still something "to win", so there's a reason to keep track of and exaggerate every issue. All the more reason to get it over with, but in VA you have to wait a year.
  20. The best you can do is make it routine and fast. Sometimes when my daughter gets upset, my ex draws it out with lots of extra hugs and goodbyes and that definitely just makes it worse. The second she's gone, my daughter is playing and fine. It's the transition itself that can be tough for kids of a certain age, just get it over with.
  21. Yep. The kids' mom and I get along great. We're cordial, never fight, etc. But even the most minor of non-standard deviation from the custody plan results in a barrage of "on the record" negotiations. e.g. I'd think she could just agree to watch the kids on Wednesday night, but instead she wants to agree on explicit details, with the understanding that we both might agree to change them later, but just to have something to fall back on if it turns into an argument later.
  22. Only separated a year, but I've just started seeing this as my oldest approaches some new pre-teen challenges. Her mother and I didn't have the same initial reaction to some situations she encountered (an invitation to a party at which we had different levels of comfort with the situation). Had we still been together, the incentive to adopt the mom's point of view to better get along would've been much higher. Instead, despite respecting the mother's role, I found it very tempting to let her follow my rules on my time rather than put in the effort to work out an agreement with mom, when there's no longer that other incentive for the two of us to work things out.
  23. I feel like the standards have changed post-separation. When we lived together, as with any adults with different points of view, there were minor disagreements/conflicts (but almost never ugly fights in front of the kids). We'd cool off and move on. Now that we're separate, she seems to keep a list of each minor disagreement/conflict and add them up as if they're huge fights that are harmful to the kids, proof that we aren't getting along (not sure why that's important to her), etc...
  24. https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2018/09/18/italys-proposed-new-divorce-law-would-turn-back-clock-years-womens-rights-critics-say/?utm_term=.3f02335b5ee8
  25. I think the biggest risk in getting too friendly is confusing the kids about whether you're getting back together.
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