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CoParenting Talk (a discussion forum)


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case last won the day on August 7 2018

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  1. Depending how old your kids are, they'll notice something's different. The sooner the better, but have a plan what you're going to say.
  2. Well, after Christmas gift giving (planned completely separately, though she did put both our names on a couple of the big things that we had talked about that she ended up buying), I asked her why we after trying so hard we had failed to make a plan. She answered that she was mad at me because she thought I had snooped and found out what gifts she was buying, so she didn't see any point to sharing or coordinating with me. 🤯 Ok, but then just answer my question and say, "No thanks, I'm not interested in coordinating because I'm mad at you," instead of pretending you're going to.
  3. I was also intentionally waiting to do anything on the assumption that she'd be reasonably and respond at some point. Finally, two weeks before Christmas, I decided I couldn't wait anymore and started to do things on my own. So glad I did, now that we're one week from Christmas and she still won't respond!
  4. I've tried to coordinate, but been ignored! I've reached out multiple times per week since Thanksgiving to ask how we're going to handle it. We've communicated frequently on other topics, but those messages (or that part of larger messages) just gets ignored. I brought it up in person and she promised to email me (but of course did not). I know the kids made wish lists at her house, because they told me they did, but my asking about that was also ignored. I'm not saying we have to go in on gifts together (though I think that would be nice), but I think it would be nice if we could make a conscious joint decision on what we're doing. That could be going in together, coordinating to spend similar amounts/not duplicate, sharing ideas, or just completely doing our own things. I really don't understand why someone wouldn't respond for weeks. My best guess is that she's planning something she doesn't want me to know about. But, if so, I'll clearly find out eventually, so stalling just makes things worse (though I guess prevents me from being able to respond in advance, if that's her thinking). But even if that's the case, she should just reply that we're doing our own thing and she doesn't want to coordinate because she doesn't want me knowing what she got 🤷‍♂️
  5. Here's a new twist... when I told my ex my plans for an upcoming trip, she quickly announced that she'd been thinking of the same thing (the trip was going into the mountains and staying in a cabin or camping--something I've been pushing for years and she's never been the least bit interested, because it would be a "waste" of a vacation not to go to a beach). I'm unhappy that once I was finally doing something with the kids that I've always wanted to but she hasn't she's now trying to duplicate the trip. I get her not wanting to "miss out" on the experience, but it doesn't feel right for her to copy everything I do with them. Now we're both shy about telling the other our plans too far in advance because of fear that the other will try to preempt the plans.
  6. Well, it's gotten weirder. The ex and I pretty much stopped seeing each other socially after the last post (up until August we got together to do stuff with the kids a fair amount, and even got together just the two of us about once a week). But, she now texts me all the time. Not just about the kids, little details of her day, jokes, comments on news. Sometimes we exchange 100+ texts in a day.
  7. One thing I've been wondering about lately, do you think it's possible to be too friendly with your coparent/ex? We're getting along very well for coparenting, which requires us to communicate a fair amount. It just seems weird when we are chatting about the kids not to ask about big events in her life or discuss some interesting news about a common interest. I've read a lot of advice about keeping the communications business-like, but I assume that's just a technique to avoid conflict. I have personal chit-chat with by business acquaintances, too.
  8. I think one of the first questions is if living with dad is even a possibility. If it's not even an option because dad wouldn't want her as primary, you don't think she'd be safe, etc..., then you just tell her that and dismiss the idle threat. If it's a serious option, then you could discuss with her the pros and cons but make it clear that she's not going to get to hop back and forth each time she gets mad at one of you. Of course, if she actually tried it once and regretted it, you'd let her come back. But like you said, she can't use the threat of moving as a way to control you, so you have to make it clear that you won't be controlled.
  9. Fascinating. Custody X Change conducted a first-of-its-kind study and found that parenting time varies dramatically as you cross state lines. Nationwide, a father is likely to receive about 35% of child custody time. See how your state compares below. https://www.custodyxchange.com/maps/dads-custody-time-2018.php
  10. It seems like the number #1 fight is over money. A disagreement over finances isn't surprising, but should be handled between the adults. If she badmouths him over it, that should be a violation of the CA! Did he get a non-disparagement clause in the CA? It's really hard to prosecute, I had a friend who's ex was badmouthing her to the kids so much that her lawyer agreed they had enough evidence to go to back to court. He managed to influence one of the witnesses into denying it, so she not only lost, but ended up having to pay his court fees. But in a less extreme situation, documenting the badmouthing might coax her into better behavior. It's hard to coparent when one parent doesn't want what's best for the kids.
  11. I think letting the ex know when you're traveling the kids is important so they know you're not abducting them!
  12. A huge benefit to co-parenting is that if you get along well enough to work out custody arrangements yourselves you can make plans that work best for you. And make changes as the child grows. If you couldn't get along, and had to let the courts decide, the outcome wouldn't be as tailored to your unique situation!
  13. are the hardest time to coparent
  14. We just went through a second kid's birthday. We were talking about ideas anyway to coordinate, so just went in together. We even both did a good job of not claiming credit.
  15. We had only verbally agreed to the craft shop party, so once the ex was supportive of the sleepover, that's what put me in the tough spot. I did exactly what you suggested, told my daughter that of course I wanted her to have the party she wanted and that she shouldn't feel at all torn between us, so I agreed to the sleepover at the ex's house. I'll join them for the evening so be there for the main event, though will obviously miss out on the "going to sleep" activities. Not yet clear whether I'll try to show back up in the morning or not.
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